The Cleaner Plate Club

Sure, you’re a sex lube.
(That’s out of the way. Phew.
Let’s move on to food).

Derived from seaweed,
(what could be more natural?)
You thicken. Bind. Gel.

You’re found in puddings,
Ice cream, jams, processed cheeses,
Toothpaste, icing, fro-yo…

And Silk soy creamer,
My preferred coffee creamer.
I sure hope you’re safe.

You come in two forms:
Degraded, Undegraded.
One food-grade, one not.

Most food experts claim
Undegraded’s safe to eat.
No problem, say they!

Degraded? Not so.
Degraded is evil stuff.
Brings GI problems.

Like..say… IBS.
Cancers of the GI tract.
Ulcers, colitis.

It seems simple, then:
“Undegraded is safe!” …But ‘natch,
There’s controversy;

Dr. Tobacman
Points out this sticky wicket:
WE might degrade it.*

Sheesh…our own tummies
Might just turn undegraded
Into degraded.

If this is true…Yikes!
Then the difference means nothing.
Avoid it, she says!

And others’ advice?
Dr. Weil , nature’s M.D.,
Says “best to avoid.”**

Dr. Weil, I must ask:
Would you smother your love bits
In the stuff? (I might.)***

Fit Sugar says “Eat!”
Eden Foods, Toms of Maine: “Fine!”
Dr. Minich: “Sure.”

Eat. Don’t. Eat. Eat. Don’t.
Who can keep up? As for me,
I’m cautious, not freaked.****

For daily Java, though,
I might switch to half-and-half.
I mean…just in case.

(As for the love juice,
it’s “soft, silky, not sticky!“
Beats Astro-Glide, too!

Awww, what can I say?
As I hurtle toward forty,
I’ll keep that in mind).

* Says Dr. Tobacman: “exposure to undegraded as well as to degraded carrageenan was associated with the occurrence of intestinal ulcerations and neoplasms. This association may be attributed to contamination of undegraded carrageenan by components of low molecular weight, spontaneous metabolism of undegraded carrageenan by acid hydrolysis under conditions of normal digestion, or the interactions with intestinal bacteria.

**From Dr. Weil: “Given this new information on carrageenan, I would recommend avoiding regular consumption of products containing it. While some brands of soy milk do contain the additive, others do not. With a little research you should be able to find a product that suits your taste and doesn’t contain carrageenan.”

***Mine, I mean, not his.

****Truthfully, I fell down the Google hole on this one and left feeling no wiser than when I started. All of the “don’t eat it” advice came down to Tobacman’s one (admittedly troubling) literature review. Which is persuasive. But then again, so are the letters in response. In the end, I’m deciding not to swear it off completely, but to try to keep it limited — mostly by trying to stay as unprocessed as possible. Which I was trying to do anyway. Even though it’s hard.

…in spite of the fact that Mama is a paranoid nut about the leaching, endocrine-disrupting, early-puberty-inducing, obesity-promoting, fertility-limiting power of the stuff:

That would be the Pyrex bowl I recently used to serve Charlotte yogurt. One of the many, many non-plastic items that has broken into a million pieces in my efforts to break our family’s plastic habits. Pyrex is supposedly the toughest, most shatter-proof non-plasticky stuff out there. Oy.

Well, there are always stainless steel dog bowls. I’m considering those next. Not really. Well, maybe.

When Pyrex shatters,
Shards fly remarkably far.
Days later: feet bleed.

In Maine right now with Blair. Escaping small people. First time we’ve done this in years. And years.

And it’s good.

Set up the DVR; King Corn is on PBS this week. Might even be tonight on your local station; check here to find out when it’s showing in your neck of the woods.

The short story behind this film: a couple of cutie-pie Yale grads move to Iowa to plant an acre of corn. As they watch it grow, they learn about American food — what it is, and why it is what it is. The film is more fun than shrill, even if it did tick off the National Corn Growers Association.

Here’s my review, haiku-style:

The story? Not new,
But these fellas make it fresh;
Corn’s king. They’re dumplings.

photo credit: Curt Ellis.

Anyone? Can anyone tell me what is it about Peeps that has encouraged people to make table sculptures out of them? Like, say, the likeness of Anna Nicole Smith?

Or to create magnificent dioramas out of them?

Or to recreate great moments in Rock and Roll history from them?

Or to act out (a slightly foul-mouthed) Romeo and Juliet with them?

Or simulate alien invasions with them?

You all know that I’m ordinarily a great fan of the haiku form. But about Peeps? Really?

It all confuses me. As much, honestly, as it amuses me. Perhaps my friend Vikki can explain.

Christ has risen. Sweet Jesus. Happy Easter nonetheless to those of you who celebrate the holiday. And Happy Peep Day to all. Especially, perhaps, Will Ferrell.

The secret to happiness? Oh that. I’ll get back there. But I’ve got a few deadlines to meet first. Pesky deadlines.

In the meantime, there’s some news from the Vatican about new mortal sins — genetic engineering, pollution, tolerating poverty, and being obscenely rich among them. With that in mind, I’ve written a couple of haiku for my friends in and around agribusiness.

For Monsanto
Your stock grows…in Hell.
GMOs: they’re a sin now!
Sez who? The pope, dude.

For Smithfield Farms:
Polluter? Why, yes!
Your pig poop: like toxic waste
Say ‘hey’ to Hades!

For Paula Deen:
Smithfield’s drawling shill,
Guilt by association;
Whoops! you’re Hell-bound, too!

For Warren Buffet:
Kraft, Coca Cola
Have made you obscenely rich:
Another sin. Rough.

Back to work. I’ll check in soon.

So, I’m thinking that this is actually some of the very worst poetry I’ve written, ever, with the possible exception of that period during eighth grade, when the boy I loved started holding hands with Jeanne Limoges. That was some extraordinarily bad poetry. I remember one poem was constructed entirely from words I hadn’t known the meaning of, but which I’d found in the thesaurus. The phrase “witless mirth” featured prominently in that one. Witless mirth. Stupid merriment. You can borrow that for your next bad poem, if you’d like. You’re welcome. In the meantime, some limericks about quiche:

There once was a reader named Laurel
Who sent a tip for chard quiche without quarrel.
Chard thong? Doesn’t wear it.
But her quiche? Oh, prepare it!
Chard’s divine! (once again, that’s my moral)

There once was a quiche made from chard
Whose directions were really not hard:
Veggies, eggs, milk, and cheese,
Mixed with herbs, baked with ease…
You can even add weeds from your yard!*

Really. I’m not being funny:
This quiche was really quite yummy
With no childrens’ teeth gritting,
We gobbled it all in one sitting.
And who was most happy? My tummy!

Many, many thanks to Laurel, whose instructions are below.

Ingredients:
1/2 medium onion
2 cups swiss chard
1/2 yellow squash
1/2 zucchini (sez Laurel: add as much or as little of these veggies as you choose… Sez I: I actually didn’t use squash or zucchini; used broccoli instead, since I had it in the fridge, and the kids eat it happily)
3 eggs
1 1/4 cup milk
1 1/2 cup sharp cheese
1 can diced chilis (oops, didn’t use those either. next time.)
lots of fresh (dried is fine too) dill
fresh thyme if you have it (I didn’t, but I used dried there, too)
salt, pepper

Directions: Steam veggies together (note: Instead of steaming, I sauteed the veggies in a little olive oil until they were ever-so-slightly soft). Mix together eggs, milk, and cheese. Add chilies if you’re using them, plus herbs, salt, and pepper. Add veg to egg mixture, put in pie shell and bake about an hour, in preheated oven, 375 degrees.

Laurel sez: it’s a Lovely and favorite quiche…. You can always add lambsquarter and dandelion as they pop out in your yard to add a wonderful spring flair! * See? It’s true about the weeds. And you thought I was making that up.

Got a recipe based on a favorite veggie? I’m always happy to try something new.

This is just to say

that I have never

not once

given out raisins for Halloween

Forgive me

they are so dry

and so disappointing

to those tiny

hopeful

trick-or-treaters

(phew. It turns out I’m not the only one).

Okay, so following last week’s plea to have folks contact their reps in support of the Kind-Flake amendment to the Farm Bill, I never gave the update about the House debate and vote. News-wise, it’s been done elsewhere very well, including some good reports in the Washintgon Post, and a somewhat more satisfying NPR story this morning. But I thought I’d report in the best way I know how: in haiku form.

Kind-Flake defeated.
Subsidize crap! Five more years!
(oh, yeah, reps. We noticed.)

It really pissed ticked off
Rural America Blog,
Deliberate. You?

Small victories:
Conservation, food stamp gains.
Meat imports labeled.

Bush threatens veto.
Senate starts debate this fall.
Yeah, the beat goes on.

(Contact your senator.
Before September’s debate.
Say: “House sucks! Do more!”)

Subsidies: Two-thirds
Go to just 30 districts.
And we get? Corn. Fats.

(oh, and obesity,
ecological dead zones,
and cynics, too. Lots.)

But here’s the thing, guys:
They know we’re watching. They do.
So don’t stop…no! no!

And in the meantime,
CSAs, farmer’s markets,
And whole foods remain.

It is worth the price
To opt out, if you can:
Buy fresh, bulk. Cook more.

You sound ugly. Like
Drool from a large, hairy beast,
Snorting as he walks.

In fact, you’re a seed;
Ground endosperm (I’m blushing…)
Tasteless. Bland. No smell.

Gelatinous goop,
Eight times thicker than corn starch
You bind. Make things gel.

But for your presence,
Ice cream would be crystalline;
Hot dogs would crumble.

You thrive with monsoons;
India and Pakistan
Both export you with pride.

(They may not agree
On Kashmir; They can on this:
You’re MONEY, baby.)

Wish Newton saw this:
You’re no harder to swim in
Than plain old water.

Natural. Vegan.
A sign of processing? Yep!
But harmful? Guess not.

No studies imply
That you’re unsafe as used. Phew.
One less food to fear.

Oh, enigmatic
Mystery ingredient:
Stealthy. Sly. Unseen.

You hide in canned soup,
Frozen meals, Toothpaste, ice cream.
Everywhere: that’s you.

They tell me you’re safe:
You emulsify. That’s all.
Emulsi…Wait. Huh?

It’s fine! The experts say.
A great gluten-free option!
Don’t worry. Just eat.

I’ll trust food science.
But still, I wish you were not
Crafted in a lab.