We parents love our children. Oh, how we love those little buggers. And if there was ever any need for proof, here it is:
Hershey Park, in Hershey, Pennsylvania, the self-declared “sweetest place on earth.” We spent a day and a half there, on our way home from the Blue Ridge Mountains.
It’s clear we’re not the only ones who came here solely for the kids. You could see the evidence of parental devotion everywhere: The father carrying a kicking toddler, trying in vain to pull his face away from the stuffed monkey with which his son was walloping him. The mother who literally cried on the rapid spinning “Claw” ride (heretofore known to my own family as the Claw of Death) as her kids whooped with merriment. The mother entering a bathroom stall with her daughter, steering the child around what appeared to be a tiny piece of poo sitting on the floor.
But enough about parenting. Let’s get to the topic at hand: can real food be found in Hershey Park?
At Hershey, children are handed chocolate as soon as they arrive at the park:
At Hershey, one can find a variety of snacks. If by snacks, you mean loads and loads of candy in king-size packaging:
Don’t worry: some of the chocolate is organic. So it must be healthy.
At Hershey Park, you can watch a group called the Milkmen dance and sing about the value of milk as a vehicle delivery for Hershey’s genuine chocolate flavor syrup:
You can find hot dogs and corn dogs, though the title of this particular stop, combined with the image of a grinning rodent rising from the food, makes you wonder just what kind of meat is inside those wieners:
For $3.00, you can get a small bottle of water:
Or, for $4.75, you can get the juice of 1 lemon added to 32 ounces of high fructose corn syrup water:
You can stand in line for ice cream:
Or cotton candy:
But look! You can also find fruits:
And when at lunchtime, the Kosher food tent proves elusive, and you send your husband in search of something “with ingredients that you will recognize,” you might end up with something that looks like this:
On the other hand, at Hershey Park, your six-year old can get a hair wrap:
When your two year old falls down and bloodies her chin, the kind folks at the infirmary give her a band-aid AND a purple stuffed dog:
And your kids can participate in any and all of this:
Which they do. Fueled, I might add, entirely by chocolate, ice cream, candy-coated pretzels, pixy stix, tacos, nachos, and high fructose corn syrup.