Two stories in the news this week about ways you can improve your own health, as well as your family members’:
1. Kick diet soda. While the sugar-free stuff may have fewer calories, apparently it’s associated with metabolic syndrome, a collection of risk factors for cardiovascular disease and diabetes that include abdominal obesity, high cholesterol and blood glucose levels, and elevated blood pressure. Water, anyone?
2. Two words: Family dinners. This is one area where our family falls down. We plummet, frankly. By the time Blair gets home most nights, the girls are too exhausted to eat, or they have snacked themselves silly and are no longer hungry. When we do sit down together, Merrie gets in and out of her chair so many times that my blood pressure shoots as high Woody Woodpecker’s alligator friend after he gets stuffed in a pressure cooker (don’t remember that episode? Watch it here, though not in English). Meanwhile, Charlotte can sit in her high chair for precisely 8 seconds before escaping, Houdini-style, from her straps to stand on her tray. Plus, she throws food at us.
So I typically feed the kids first, while reading to Merrie and ignoring the pieces of fish being pelted in my hair. Then, Blair and I eat, comatose relaxed, after putting them to bed.
But I’m starting to really be convinced that we need to do better. There was a great report on NPR’s Morning Edition yesterday, Family Dinner Deconstructed, that reviewed some of the current research about the family dinner.
The headlines are that kids who eat with families are not only less likely to drink, smoke, or use drugs, they also do better in school, develop better verbal skills, are at less risk of eating disorders and depression, and — if they’re asthmatic — are less likely to wind up in the emergency room. But here’s the question posed by the story: does the dinner itself protect kids? Or is it simply that the better functioning families are the ones most likely to sit down to dinner in the first place? Like, would our family — with our wiggly kids and skyrocketing bloodpressures and flying food — benefit from a little more togetherness at mealtime?
Well, maybe. In the case of eating disorders, the research seems to point to the routine itself being important. In the case of the asthma study, the family dinners offer protective benefit if the dinners meet three conditions: roles are assigned (setting table, etc.), family members demonstrate genuine concern about each other at the meal, and family members show empathy toward the child.
In other words, it’ll benefit any family, as long as they can act like a functional family.
But…is that something we can do? Is it too much to expect my 1-year old and my 6-year old to sit still long enough that we can put on our functional family act? Ours are not inherently placid wee ones, mind you. I’m not sure why, but universe handed us two (blessedly) spirited little monkeys — the kind of children that make other parents’ eyes widen and remark weakly “you must be so exhausted by the end of the day.”
(and, yes, we are).
I’m not trying to make excuses here. Well, sure I am, a little bit. But I do wonder at this point in our family life, can we actually behave like a functional family at the end of a long day?
I don’t know, truthfully. But I do realize (sigh) that it will never happen if we don’t practice. Maybe — just maybe — it will get a little easier the more we do it. And perhaps in a few years, when the girls are older — and have a little more skills at waiting for dinner, sitting still, and not hurling tomato sauce across the room — I will be posting about how our family has morphed into the Cleavers.
Yes, that would be nice. I’m telling you, though: we’d better start practicing. Like, maybe tonight. If I’m brave enough.
Yes I hear you. Family dinners do get easier as the kids get older except for the fact that then it is THEIR schedules that sometimes rule the roost (dance classes in the case of our kids). I remember though when they were little and timing never worked out for the reasons you mention.
If you are able to have one relatively sacred night of the week (e.g., Sundays?) when the routine allows you all to eat on the early side, you are still laying a wonderful foundation for you all to appreciate and value the family dinner, and creating motivation for you all to make it a much more regular practice/routine. We try for one “sacred” night a week and even that is difficult. sigh. But when it happens it is always great.
Please take this in the manner I intend it, which is “I’m sharing my ideas” not “I’m telling you what to do.”
Six is plenty old enough to sit at the table. Six is old enough to adhere to some basic table manners, and six is old enough to understand that part of her job is to set an example for her sister. Now… that said… you can’t make a child wait forever to eat, nor can you expect her to sit placidly for 45 minutes. So… start small. Talk about family meals and how it was important to you, growing up (or, do as I did in my case, and talk about how your family didn’t have them and you feel you missed out). Have her help cook (I know you already do this) and set the table. Explain the expectations beforehand — once you sit down, you’re down until excused. Start with 10 minutes (for her, after which — if she manages to adhere to the rules — praise her lavishly and excuse her).
My kids went from balking to often begging to remain at the table even after being excused, because that’s where the good conversation happens and they don’t want to miss anything!
We use it to our advantage, now — kids who can’t behave are excused. (Kids who are excused also don’t get dessert. Just sayin’.)
We take turns saying grace, which is now a very natural occurrence after having talked (at length) about why we do it. We go around the table and each tell the best and worst parts of our day. I still have to tell my son to take his elbows off the table approximately 40 times a meal, but I choose to believe they’re learning.
You can do it!
It is really hard to have a family dinner but at least one of us sits down to a meal with the kids at the end of the day. It’s the only meal we eat together! We TRY to act like a functional family…sometimes we even succeed! But I will say that I’ve learned so much about the kids’ days in the 30+ minutes we spend at dinner.
If its easier to eat breakfast together maybe that could be your family meal?
Having two small children also (5 and 3) and being boys I thought I might be able to offer some helpful advice.
Kids will do what they are expected to do. If your oldest is expected to sit at the table she will learn to do it. I wouldn’t expect it to happen overnight, and all kids are different, but if it’s important to you it will be important to her.
This may not be from Dr. Spock’s book, but in my family if I put dinner on the table and people don’t come to the table, we eat without them. My 3 year old use to push this a lot, but after a few missed meals he figured out that he better scoot to the table, not play for just one more second. If you have the fortitude for this you can try it as it helps get them to the table.
I also layoff the afternoon snacks so they are hungry, and more inclined to want to eat. I always try to include multiple things they like so it’s not always new things but some new and some old.
Also, I wouldn’t worry about how hectic it is during the meal, that’s just life with little kids, isn’t it?
Good luck.
I will echo an earlier comment - your family meal doesn’t always need to be dinner. As idyllic as it is to all gather around a table after a busy, tiring day, sometimes everyone just can’t get it together. Our breakfasts are most rewarding, with everyone enthusiastic to be eating and to be together. Of course my 3 kids aren’t of school age just yet, so perhaps this is just my own naivete. When I was growing up, my mother sat with us on nights my (doctor) father wasn’t available. It still fit the bill, as far as I’m concerned! Good luck!
I agree with the expectation bit–your children will learn to do what you expect them to do. Your six-year-old is even old enough for you to explain and her to understand.
As one whose baby is now 20 years old, I heartily endorse the family meal. She came to be very attached to it in junior and senior high (really!). Amid some major life upheavals, I think our dinners provided a sense of security and normality. And to the best of my knowledge, she graduated high school not pregnant, drug addicted or in jail. Yea!
I have to admit that we don’t have as many family meals as we should. We sit down for at least 5 family meals on the weekend, but during the week it’s not as common. My husband doesn’t get home until the kids are going to bed, so I let things get a little more lax. I listened to that NPR report too and realized I need to make it more of a priority during the week.
BTW, my 3 year old is extremely antsy during our meals- I feel your pain
I am so good at listening to NPR and getting out of it only what I want to! So my conclusion was mostly that kids need to have conversation modeled for them and including them. This can be hard to manage when your nerves are frayed, your expectations are high, and everyone is tired or over-hungry, as happens often enough when the job that puts food on the table keeps my husband from getting home to said table until well past an optimal time for the kids to eat. But I am not adding this to the list of things to worry about! We go for walks and talk or the kids can eat before us and join us at the table when we are talking, there seems to still be room in our lives for the spontaneous conversation. If I can make a mealtime that is what I need, then I can be happy and relaxed enough to keep the atmosphere pleasant so that others are going to want to be around for it, if not, it’s not going to have the benefits that that study implied.
In our house, family dinners (which happen almost daily, though I take a class one night every other week) have evolved over the years. There used to be the “fly-by” dinner in which we all gathered, lit a candle, said a verse (not religious)and served food. The kids would sit for a couple of minutes and eat, and when they were done they would roam around and “visit” the table while we were finishing up. There were also the “in my lap” dinners, particularly on nights when the children were so wiggly they wouldn’t have eaten anything without being forced to sit still for a minute or two. The method that has worked best though is that after they are done eating, mom (or dad, whoever eats faster) reads a special story that only happens at dinner. Winnie the Pooh or short picture books worked fine for us.
These days, the girls can mostly sit through dinner (and if you’re saying “spirited”, my kids could have written the definition on the term!), as long as it doesn’t last forever, happens at a reasonable time (6:30 in our house) and we can handle them wiggling in their seats.
I think the key is to find the kind of togetherness that promotes harmony in your family. In some families that means feeding the kids early and then letting them have a bedtime snack while the parents eat. Whatever works for you is the right thing, but I think there are many ways to instill this habit and make it pleasant. It’s definately a work in progress, not a finished product, lol!
we try to eat together as often as possible, almost everynight when my husband is home. Althought I must admit when hes flying there are nights that the boys eat while I run around trying to get stuff done. I have noticed that when we sit and eat as a family the boys eat more and everyone seems more relaxes. Even though eating with a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old can be anything but relaxing… its our family time together and we dont get enough of it.
as far as the soda… I’m trying to kick my soda habit and its killing me….sigh. life is tough!
Chile over at Chile Chews tagged me in a meme, and as I was reading your site, I figured I’d try and toss this virtual monkey off my back.
If you’re bored or need filler, jump on board. If not? No worries.
First, I won’t be surprised if someday we find out this huge conspiracy between diet sodas and the food companies—when I used to drink diet sodas (yuck! can’t touch them now), I would always get hungry. Always.
Second, I grew up having family dinners every night and they are still a given in my life. My husband gets home relatively late (6:20) so often the kids will have a fruit around 5 or 5:30 so they aren’t ravenous. We don’t eat long, drawn-out dinners; just long enough to get the food in us, make some chit-chat and get the kids upstairs for bed. It is pretty rare when we don’t meet at dinner.
I have a 3yo son, a 4 yo daughter and a 7 yo daughter. It makes my husband crazy if they get up and down a lot, so we’ve had to work on that (most of the time it is just anticipating what they will want with their meal ahead of time; also keeping meals short helps). Our 3yo will sometimes not even join us at the table because he is so picky about food. So, we just eat with him playing nearby, figuring that as long as he is nearby, he is reaping the benefits. For food throwing, maybe just give her a tiny bit of food and replace it as she eats it. If she throws it, end the meal. It may be pretty unpleasant the first few nights, but it may get easier and less stressful.
But also, I think you have lots of time to start this tradition when it feels right for you!
Diet soda is evil — our family doctor, who was off-the-boat Irish was adamant about that our whole childhoods — “we know what sugar does,” he’d say. And then like a true Irishman, he’d tell us “just drink beer, it’s better for you…” What can I say?
Family dinner — when we were really little, we had to eat dinner at 5 in the kitchen with Mommy, because that’s what “little kids” did. Then baths and a kiss for Daddy when he came home and off to bed. So dinner at the table (we had a dining room even) became something to aspire to — if you wanted to be “big” you could wait until later and eat at the table, but you had to use your manners, and you had to engage in conversation — as a result, we had table manners very young that were the envy of other parents. I actually remember being very small and watching some other kid throw a fit in a restaurant — I was appalled and kind of mystified. Why would anyone want to do that? My parents screwed up plenty of things — but we learned manners, and I learned debating skills at my father’s dinner table in high school that served me all the way through graduate school. For what it’s worth … of course, I blame the homework burden these little kids are under for the demise of dinner — who can concentrate on dinner when there’s 14 more pages of math for the 3rd grader?
One of the reason’s we went off pop was the increase link to anxiety. I unfortunately cannot find the link but last year my brother-in-law found a site while researching anxiety and depression.
As for the family dinner. Just keep trying. As with anything involving children (humans) it comes with practice. Even then there will be times you all end up in bed crying. Just so you know no one is the cleavers. They aren’t real. Maybe you should lower your expectations on what a family meal looks like. Its your family do what suits your family. As long as you are talking and eating good food I think your doing alright.
Cleavers? Bo-ring. I think I would have to take some major anti-depressants to be June. Major. Dress? Pearls? Vacuum? Ha. That’s funny. While our little ones may be a bit unruly now, they will no doubt become the kind of bright, free-thinking older kids that are actually good dinner company. It’s just surviving to that point. Whenever it is, someday.
you’re better than me. i heard the clip for that story and actually avoided listening, afraid that, once again, our families way of going about it was all wrong and *gulp* damaging! then again, i’m currently trying to get us off trader joe’s frozens and back to real food. again. the winter hibernation has doomed us again. oh well, progress not perfection once again.
p.s. there’s also this new study where rats gained weight on artificial sweeteners, like those in diet soda. hmmmm.
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/2008/02/11/cohen.sugar.substitutes.mxf.cnn
We do family meals every night and always have. We are screwing up in so many other areas of child rearing, however, that I think any positive Family Dining Effects are pretty much offset.