Friends, there are many, many things that I’m willing to discuss. Many. Sure, there are some things that are just too troubling. But personally, I like to push these too-troubling things out of my mind altogether…simply make them cease to exist.
Poof! They’re gone! Except, perhaps, in the deepest recesses of my mind.
Exploding pig brains causing mysterious diseases!
Shut up, deepest recesses. Please sit down now, deepest recesses.
I’m willing to talk about all kinds of disturbing things, mind you. Let’s wander off the food subject for a moment, and talk about UFOs. Yes! UFOs! Why not?
And pig brains! Remember, you’ve got to talk about those pig brains!
Are you guys aware, for example, that dozens and dozens of people in a small town in Texas independently saw a UFO last month? It was bigger than a Wal-Mart (there’s a joke in there, somewhere), and it was outrunning fighter jets. And that it’s just one of many, many similar sightings — including sightings by, like, actual British Airline pilots?
But the pig brains! It’s important, Ali! Talk about them! Talk about how sick the folks who work at the Quality Pork Processors Plant in Minnesota got! Talk about this weird, behind-the-scenes glimpse at what it takes to butcher 19,000 hogs a day!
So, these UFOs. It’s pretty wacky, actually. There’s a whole organization dedicated to tracking UFOs. And this group? It claims that “scientific data shows that our planet is being visited by other intelligences on a regular basis,” and that each year, there are over 70,000 sightings. Dude, even Dan Akroyd — Beldar Conehead himself — supports this group.
But really, Ali, don’t you think you should tell them about how a bunch of the workers responsible for cutting up pigs’ heads came down with a rare immune disorder that attacks the nerves? And how these factory workers are cutting up a whoppin’ 1,100 pigs’ heads an hour?
No, deepest recesses! I keep telling you. It’s just. too. horrifying. Please — I’m begging you — go away now.
Okay. The UFO thing. I can talk about it. I’m brave. I really am. I’m also brave enough to face other things. Like the fact that Britney Spears is helping boost our faltering economy to the tune of $120 million a year.
But what about the fact that these workers are processing meat for Hormel, one of the biggest names in pork products? And what about the person who came up to you after reading the article, saying, “I just can’t believe it. I just can’t believe what people have to do for a living in these meatpacking plants?” Doesn’t her shock warrant even a comment?
There are other things, too. Like, say, the giant blob that started taking over the sewers of Lewiston, Maine. That’s troubling stuff, especially if you choose to look at the photo.
Come on. It’s such a window into life in a meatpacking plant. You’ve eaten Hormel before! Don’t you think you should know about what’s behind those vacuum-packed loins?
Or how about the gender-bending barnacles that grow enormous ding-dongs in rough waters? Or even the fact that by this point in my life, it seems that I’ll never, ever be rich enough to buy a Boy Toy?
Okay. Okay. I’m going away now. I get it. It’s just too gruesome. Fine. Heading back to the deepest recesses. I tried, though. I did.
And, oh yeah! There’s the fact that NASA appears to have gotten a photograph of bigfoot on Mars. So…see? I’m brave. I can talk about lots of creepy things. Lots of them.
Just not everything, it turns out.
Why oh why did I read that article about the pig brains? I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep now. Ugh.
Okay….
One the one hand – I am now more informed about a food-based hazard (thankfully spam, bacon, and other Hormel products are something I avoid due to allergies, but I now have to remember to call my dad and tell him to stop packing the spam into his camping gear.) which is always a good thing. Knowledge is power, and all that jive. To better serve my family, I need to stay up on what is posibly going into their mouths.
One the other hand – BOTH my conscious AND subconscious have retreated into the deepest darkest recesses and refuse to be poked, prodded or bribed out. I’ve tried to get it back together and….
Nope. They are staying in the back and entertaining themselves by rocking back and forth while humming.
Thanks?
Yes! I too made the mistake of reading the pig brain article and was similarly repelled and fascinated at the same time. Loved your take on it Ali!
Great to find your delightful blog~!
I am always so amused by you! And disturbed. Not by you, of course, but by the content. Thanks for trying to protect my innocent recesses. I’m not ready to read the article yet.
On another note, I never thought I’d be proud to say that that very UFO sighting you mentioned occured about 75 miles from where I live. But compared with all that pig spattering, I’ll gladly claim it.
I have recently started buying Hormel Natural Choice ham because it doesn’t contain nitrites or nitrates and the package says it’s “minimally processed.” What does that mean? Are they kidding me?!?
Dear Ali,
I am really enjoying your writing for its intelligence and wit. I have been following the pig brain, animal abuse, e coli, and cloning stories as well, but they no longer have any applicability to my own diet because I was completely creeped out back in the Mad Cow era and stopped buying industrial meat and dairy. The more I study the question, the less poultry and fish I’m likely to consume as well, but at this point I’m still looking to find a pound or so of responsibly produced animal flesh to eat each month. Canned fish, mostly.
That’s getting away from my main point, which is to thank you for thoughtful, entertaining writing that is not just a rehash of the news.
Martha, blogging at
http://martha1955.wordpress.com
better known as Greens and Beans.
cool site… keep up the good work.
http://www.royaltalent.com
Nicely done not talking about things. I read this the day the story came out and was just aghast. (although, duh…) The things we are doing to people in the cause of producing seemingly cheap foodlike substances is really awful. Makes you wonder what the e. coli rates are like for folks who labor on spinach farms…or maybe I don’t want to know.